dc coyote's world

a southwestern guy in DC: my thoughts about everything internal and external: psychology, politics, pets, my mood and evolution as a person, sports, books, movies, tv, comics, pop culture and gay culture

Friday, August 14, 2009

My Facebook Defaced

Think I'm getting sick of Facebook.
I saw the utility of it pretty quickly. Reconnected with all sorts of folks from high school and different times in my life. It gave me an odd daily link with them. Now, though, I'm feeling bombarded with odd and frequently annoying twitter-esque snippets. And I have zero desire to twitter or be twittered at/to/about, etc. And some of these folks with whom I've reconnected... does Facebook count as reconnecting...as well as some who are acquaintances on the margins of my life are saying things that personally and politically make me think that they that they aren't the sorts of people I want in my life.
Do I de-friend them? Do I ignore them? Is there a new, odd social protocol here?
What I don't want is to get in pointless, time consuming e-arguments with people I may never see again and whose opinions don't really matter to me other than to make me sad at the steady flow of ignorance, snarkiness, and judgmentalism.

Monday, August 10, 2009

The Weather Is Hot...and So Are the Nats

Thanks God. Finally, after suffering through the most brutal season as a baseball fan that I've ever suffered through, the Nationals are rewarding our dogged perseverance. We're winning.
I slogged out to Nats Park yesterday in the blazing heat. I was en fuego but, thanksfully, so were the Nats. Love Dunn, love Zimm, love Wills, but...I LOVE Nyjer Morgan! He is a cool drink of water in center field after 4 1/2 seasons of wincing every time a ball was hit out there. And what a sparkplug as a leadoff hitter! Watching him discombobulate pitchers when he's on base is a joy.
So, here's to the Nats, a joke no more. Please excuse this momentary delusion. The heat's left me giddy.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

My two cents worth on this Obama as the Joker Socialism poster. This is good propaganda. Someone's going to write a dissertation or fifty on this.
Don't get me wrong. The sentiment behind it is 180 degrees off my political bent, but I'll take such cleverness 100 times out of 100 over the self-promoting, ego-centric, race-baiting tripe served up 24-7 by idiots like Rush, Sean, and Bill. Those guys care more about enriching themselves than the half-truths and outright lies they're pushing. The creator of this poster, at least, is thus far anonymous and has crafted a piece of propaganda that invites some thoughtful deconstruction.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Depressed and Not Depressed

Yesterday, I was depressed. Today, after a decent night's sleep and no alcohol last night, a positive outlook. I knew that today is going to be a long one, so I planned this. Day of work followed by an evening of doing therapy at the DC campus of an out of state university.
My mood. When I'm depressed, everything is so bleak, so unchangeable. Today, though, relatively positive. What would it be like if I felt like this all the time. What could I accomplish? What could I be?
And, listening to music today. "When It Comes To Love" by Fleetwood Mac. From the non-Lindsey phase and, love Lindsey like I do, a great, hooky song. I'd love to hear Lindsey do a version of it himself.
Even my digressions are positive today.
Should I consider medication? I couldn't take, though, an effect on my sexual drive. I've just recovered a good sex life. And I LIKE it. Alcohol? I've reduced my drinking pretty mightily.
And is it depression, anxiety, a personality disorder in me. All of the above maybe? Let me leave it for today. For now, at least, I'd like to bask in the positives of today's mood...

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Being kind to myself.

Being kind to myself.
Not something that comes naturally. My default is worry. What I'm not doing right. What's wrong with me. How my life, myself, my thoughts aren't normal.
Being kind to myself.
This thought process. At work. Phoning it in. Going through the otions. What all I'm not doing for each of my clients. What someone else in my job would be doing better, more helpfully, for my clients.
I'm wasting my life. So much time on sex sites. Looking for what? How many hours, days, weeks, months of my life have I wasted hunting through gay.com or manhunt? And searching for what? I don't know.
Be kind to myself. I don't know how. This voice in my mind tells me that I was mistreated, abused, growing up. Forced to look outward, look outward, look outward, look outward, look outward. Never learning how to build an internal life. My default position is looking to others for their responses to tell me how to feel about myself. That's the lesson that life with my mother taught me over and over and over and over and over. Look outside. Cataclysm could occur any moment. Be alert, be ready. Never relax. Never relax. Never relax. Never be caught unaware.
And I look outward. ALL THE TIME. And I'm so tired. I look outward because I'm trained to. But I resent it.
If I'm being kind to myself, is it okay to ask if I can take the rest of my life off? I've been looking outward for so long. Now, half the time, I phone it in because even half my consciousness is enough to see what's coming. What if I let it all go? Dumb rhetorical question because I never could. I can't turn it off. Can I learn to relax a little?

Friday, May 01, 2009

You know what I think is pathetic: fireworks after the Nats lose...again. Why would any self-respecting fan want to stay around and sit through fireworks when their team had just lost again? Baseball: don't standardize events for all teams across baseball. Let each team have their kind of events on their own schedules. What idiots go on with a fireworks show when the home team has just suffered another humiliating loss?

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Erosion of Professional Values & the Story of My First Professional License

I've lived in Washington, DC, now for nearly 15 years.  I work in the nonprofit mental health world, directly with poor people with many life problems. The lack of professionalism in my co-workers and in the professionals with whom I attempt to deal continually astounds me. People often do not seem to feel responsible for doing their jobs, and, if you expect them to...well, you're the one with the problem in their eyes. This includes answering phones, returning phone messages, being on time (or within, say, 45 minutes of on time), and treating others with respect. Oh, and actually doing your job. 

I'm in my mid-40s, and I remember my grandfather talking to me about work values like being early for your job and really listening to others. I began my professional life in Austin, Texas, and while the nonprofit world there had its share of inbred, unprofessional conduct and culture, I was totally unprepared for the bureaucratic mess that is Washington, DC. Keep in mind, I'm not talking about federal government here. I have little frame of reference for that, but city government. Oh my god. 
To do what I do, I needed a professional license. Let me tell you the story of when I submitted the paperwork for that first license. In the mid 90s, DC had a "professional" building on H Street in what is called Chinatown. This was pre-Verizon Center (our basketball and hockey arena which has since energized and resurrected that neighborhood...thanks for spending your own money, Abe Pollen...he's an old-style, community oriented owner who didn't expect the taxpayers to pony up hundreds of millions of dollars for their toys) & the neighborhood was crack central. I mean bad and somewhat dangerous. So I took my carefully assembled paperwork down to this building on H Street. This was to get my first license as a mental health professional, a very big deal to me. The office where I needed to turn in the paperwork was on the 6th floor. As I entered the building, I was stunned by its condition. This was a DC government owned building. Linoleum was peeling up off the floors. Ceiling tiles were missing. It was filthy. And, of course, the elevator wasn't working. I made my way up the stairs to the appropriate office which had a large counter and was empty when I entered. Behind the counter there was nothing except a conference table pushed up against two walls in the righthand back corner of the room. On the farthest corner of the table, also up against two walls, was a large stack of papers. Next to it was a big stapler. That was all that was in the room that I could see. No humans. I called out for a person to help me. No response. I waited, uncertain of what to do. I had all my papers for my license. I needed to turn them in. After a minute, I called out again. A large African-American woman who looked to be in her late 20s or early 30s appeared in the doorway behind the counter. She slowly made her way to the counter, regarding me with silent disinterest and a hint of sullenness. I explained that I was there to turn in my licensing paperwork. She took the paperwork from my hand, slowly made her way to the large table, inserted all of my carefully assembled documents into the stapler, and stapled through the middle of the stack. Then she dropped my documents onto the top of the large stack of papers in the corner of the table and slowly made her way out of the room. She had never spoken a word. I was stunned. Eleven (!!!) months and innumerable, many unreturned, calls later, I received my license.
This experience was a formative one in my education of the way things (don't) work in DC. This has been followed by managing employees (as my work responsibilities in jobs grew to include supervisory duties) who don't feel the need to do aspects of their jobs they don't like, HR departments who seem to feel that employees are a nuisance who keep them from doing their jobs and enjoying their existence, the and DC's DMV (don't get me started)... But I think it's not just DC. This is part of a larger erosion in our culture of work ethic. People's personal values seem to have become more narcissistic and responsibility for doing that for which they're paid seems to have become secondary to self-centered pursuits. I had en employee who didn't do several key aspects of her job (taking action in the form of reprimands would have forced me to deal with HR which is its own form of hell) and she let me know that she believed she was dyslexic by way of explanation. The fact that the duties that she was neglecting were not reading oriented did not seem to have entered her thought process, and, as she was in the process of leaving the job because I had pushed small issues like asking her to arrive within 15 minutes of her scheduled start time, I didn't press the discussion. 
If it sounds like I'm bitter, the truth is I've become cynical after nearly 15 years in Washington, DC. As a mental health professional, every day I encounter professionals who are caring and committed. But they are the exception. The rule is either very late or simply no calls back when you leave messages, insolent attitudes when you ask people to do that for which they are paid, and people who seem to regard their jobs as a nuisance. I know from my formative work experiences in Austin, TX (and no, I'm not a republican) that things run better in other places. I've about had it. Other, friendlier parts of the country are starting to look good. And so is leaving the folks here with this beast of their own making. 
(Oh, I didn't mention Comcast with their insidious, serpentine, intentionally designed communications-frustrating maze as they're not just local. That's a topic for another time. Maybe my next post'll be a little happier...)