Being kind to myself.

Being kind to myself.
Not something that comes naturally. My default is worry. What I'm not doing right. What's wrong with me. How my life, myself, my thoughts aren't normal.
Being kind to myself.
This thought process. At work. Phoning it in. Going through the otions. What all I'm not doing for each of my clients. What someone else in my job would be doing better, more helpfully, for my clients.
I'm wasting my life. So much time on sex sites. Looking for what? How many hours, days, weeks, months of my life have I wasted hunting through gay.com or manhunt? And searching for what? I don't know.
Be kind to myself. I don't know how. This voice in my mind tells me that I was mistreated, abused, growing up. Forced to look outward, look outward, look outward, look outward, look outward. Never learning how to build an internal life. My default position is looking to others for their responses to tell me how to feel about myself. That's the lesson that life with my mother taught me over and over and over and over and over. Look outside. Cataclysm could occur any moment. Be alert, be ready. Never relax. Never relax. Never relax. Never be caught unaware.
And I look outward. ALL THE TIME. And I'm so tired. I look outward because I'm trained to. But I resent it.
If I'm being kind to myself, is it okay to ask if I can take the rest of my life off? I've been looking outward for so long. Now, half the time, I phone it in because even half my consciousness is enough to see what's coming. What if I let it all go? Dumb rhetorical question because I never could. I can't turn it off. Can I learn to relax a little?